by Thaddeus Camlin, Psy.D. If (as the current paradigm shift in recovery suggests) the opposite of addiction is connection not sobriety, then it makes perfect sense that initiating new romantic relationships early on in recovery is commonplace.  As with so many facets of recovery, there is an abundance of "advice" on relationships.  The recovery "wisdom" on relationships has some worthwhile points to consider, but is often fraught with arbitrary absolutes and unfounded, unrealistic mandates.  Thus far, there has been no empirical data linking horticultural adeptness to interpersonal effectiveness.  So if you buy a plant and it doesn't go so well, fret not, that doesn't mean you can't succeed in building meaningful and lasting relationships. Anyone with experience in 12-step ci...

by Thaddeus Camlin, Psy.D. We all deal with people who bug us every day. Sometimes the people who annoy us are our neighbors, our co-workers, or our family members. Improving our ways of dealing with difficult people can help us enrich our own lives and decrease urges to use substances to cope with uncomfortable feelings. A common precursor to substance use is emotional discomfort. A common source of emotional discomfort is conflict in relationships. Many people go to great lengths to avoid conflict in relationships. However, it is often much more useful to focus our energy on managing conflict in relationships rather than avoiding conflict altogether. When conflict arises in a relationship it is important to discuss the conflict when emotions are manageable and not extreme. Below...

#NowIsTheTime to end domestic violence and related substance abuse. Jessica Yaffa, president of The San Diego Domestic Violence Council, and founder/president of No Silence No Violence, kicked off a series of public service announcements in partnership with the San Diego Chargers. The campaign is geared toward encouraging adults to teach kids about healthy relationships and reduce domestic violence. We'd like to take this a step further and consider what this issue looks like when you add in substance abuse. “Violent relationships can have long-lasting effects on teens,” said San Diego County District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis. “Adolescent victims of violent relationships are at greater risk for substance abuse, mental health problems and further domestic violence." Unhealthy relations...

By Tom Horvath, Ph.D., ABPP Does your loved one drink too much during the holidays? Or at any time for that matter? What’s the best way to respond? Here are some general guidelines for navigating this challenging time. Every person and situation is different, so these guidelines are just a beginning. Let’s start with what is ineffective and possibly harmful. Don't ignore the excessive drinking. Sometimes ignoring a problem is sensible, especially if it clears up later on its own. Here we assume it is not clearing up. Like drinking too much, ignoring problems is a short-term solution that masks, or tries to mask, something deeper. Looking for treatment for someone you love? Click here. Don't tell your loved one what to do or how to do it. Perhaps the most important fact about ad...

So you’ve begun to get the cravings under control and are starting to rebuild your life. You’re changing habits, changing your thinking and feeling hopeful about the future. As you begin to find more enjoyment throughout your days, you might also be thinking it would be nice to have someone to share all these beautiful things with. But before you jump head first into dating, or a relationship, you need to ask yourself if you’re really ready for dating in recovery. While finding that special someone to share your life with has many benefits, it’s also a big responsibility. Below are four questions to help you decide whether it’s time to write dating into this chapter of your life. 1. Have you given yourself enough time to develop your ideal version of you? Often during active addiction...

By Devon Berkheiser You can build trust again! Often, building trust with loved ones is a significant part of the recovery process. It’s not uncommon for people in the midst of an addiction to engage in lying, sneaking, and other behaviors that create a loss of trust in relationships. While it can be daunting to think about repairing your important relationships, here are 5 ways to help you manage the process: 1. Be patient First and foremost, recognize that rebuilding trust takes time. Addictive behaviors may have occurred over a span of many years, so it’s not realistic to think that you’ll be able to regain trust immediately. Your friends and family members have their own feelings to work through, so give them time and space for that. It’s normal to want to make things better...

by Devon Berkheiser, Psy.D. For members of AA/NA, making amends is part of the program. The 9th step of the 12 steps is to make direct amends to people that have been hurt. Practical Recovery and SMART Recovery don’t have a specific recommendation about making amends, but many people in recovery want to repair and rebuild their relationships. In order to do so, it’s often necessary to address hurt that has been caused by your addictive behaviors. Here are some tips for making amends… the Practical Recovery Way. 1. Acknowledge your role The first step toward repairing relationships is taking responsibility for your role in their breakdown. When feeling ashamed, it’s tempting to avoid addressing the issue altogether or try to deflect those difficult feelings by blaming the other pers...

Porn Addiction Pornography and Relationships: For Better or Worse? Originally written by David H. Jacobs, Ph.D., revised and edited by Practical Recovery Staff I’ve repeatedly read that the internet is most frequently used for viewing pornography. This leads me to believe that a lot of people, presumably mostly men, are viewing porn. All the men who have come to me for help with an internet porn addiction have one thing in common: their wives (sometimes girlfriends) have caught them looking at porn. This, in turn, created a relationship crisis. The woman’s position is that the man must immediately seek treatment and end the behavior, while the position of the man is that the only way to end the relationship crisis is to immediately seek treatment. As you can see, these two po...

Our very own Jessica Yaffa and Dr. Horvath presented at an event sponsored by SDSU's Greek community. They covered tough issues such as sexual assault and the role alcohol plays in sexual abuse. This major event was covered by 3 local media outlets including channels 5, 6 and 8. See the Fox 5 clip below!

by Dr. Horvath, Ph.D., ABPP Holiday gatherings can be high-risk times if alcohol is involved—as it usually is. Most of us in the moment will attempt to ignore excessive drinking. It’s not a good time for a rational discussion; there's a good chance the discussion will lead to an angry argument instead. Yet, while it may not be the time for a discussion, it is important not to ignore the excessive drinking entirely. Make sure to take care of the excessive drinker: no driving, a trip to the ER or whatever else might be needed. Alcohol related injury and death will be all too frequent over the holiday season. Once the drinker has sobered up, you may find yourself deciding between saying something and just hoping he/she will be better next time. As for the latter option, how many times...