Addiction and Relationships: How Well Do I Engage in Relationships? by Tom Horvath, PhD, ABPP If I live just for myself I can do what I want when I want. If I do not mistreat others they probably will not mistreat me. However, if I have no connections with others no one is likely to help me or care for me. If I live just for myself I can do what I want but be alone. If I am connected with others, then I also live for them and for us, as well as for me. Now others will help me and care for me. However, at times I will need to act for them and for our relationship, even at my own expense. At times I will need to address relationship concerns, to keep the relationship growing, even if raising these concerns is uncomfortable. Addiction and Relationships: Questions to Consider Have...

How well am I asserting myself? It is an increasingly competitive world. We need to assert our wants and desires in order to thrive. It is also an increasingly (socially) distant world, and not just because of a pandemic. It is easy to get distracted by the limited connections provided by social media, and not have the richer experience of direct interaction with others. To connect with others we need to be comfortable revealing ourselves. Considerations when answering the question, "Am I asserting myself?" Assertiveness is the direct expression of my experience and reactions, including my thoughts, beliefs, opinions, emotions, and the like, while recognizing that others may have (and have a right to) different experiences and reactions. Assertiveness is a mean between aggressiveness...

by Thaddeus Camlin, Psy.D. Last week we covered five ways to cope with isolation.  This week we address the other side of the shelter-in-place coin – the challenges of finding space for oneself when sheltering with others.  Most of us live with people, and most of us can relate to the notion that enough time spent with anyone within the same set of walls drives conflict up to the surface like a thermal convection.  Below are five ways to find personal space while sheltering-in-place with loved ones. 1. Headphones Noise cancelling headphones, ideally, but any headphones will do.  As anyone alive and awake in a city for the past 20 years will attest to, as the emergence of ipods and their corresponding iconic white ear buds proliferated through society every sidewalk and bustling str...

by Thaddeus Camlin, Psy.D. Forgiveness is often discussed in addiction treatment, and in general has been shown to bolster mental health, hope, and self-esteem.  People are frequently told that they ‘should’ forgive a loved one, or that they ‘need to’ forgive themselves.  Tangible tactics on how to forgive are oft-omitted.  This article neglects philosophical pontifications as to what forgiveness is and instead focuses on specific techniques, based on the Enright model of forgiveness, that actually result in the experience of forgiveness. According to researchers, forgiveness starts with an unflinching look directly into the nature of the offense and the objective and subjective effects caused by it.  To forgive, one must identify and work through the layers of pain, shame, guilt,...

When someone in your family is struggling with addiction, it can be complicated, exhausting, and confusing. You must find a delicate balance between being supportive and protecting your own boundaries. Navigating through this environment is often times draining and most families have questions. If you are experiencing problematic substance use in your family, there is support for you. It is important to realize that drug and alcohol use can affect the entire family and it’s wise for family members to get help as well. Below are a few common questions shared by family members of those with problematic substance use issues.  Substance Abuse Support for Families Q&A Do I have to stop loving my family member who has a substance use issue? No. You will need to draw boundaries with thi...

by Thaddeus Camlin, Psy.D. If (as the current paradigm shift in recovery suggests) the opposite of addiction is connection not sobriety, then it makes perfect sense that initiating new romantic relationships early on in recovery is commonplace.  As with so many facets of recovery, there is an abundance of "advice" on relationships.  The recovery "wisdom" on relationships has some worthwhile points to consider, but is often fraught with arbitrary absolutes and unfounded, unrealistic mandates.  Thus far, there has been no empirical data linking horticultural adeptness to interpersonal effectiveness.  So if you buy a plant and it doesn't go so well, fret not, that doesn't mean you can't succeed in building meaningful and lasting relationships. Anyone  with experience in 12-step c...

by Thaddeus Camlin, Psy.D. We all deal with people who bug us every day. Sometimes the people who annoy us are our neighbors, our co-workers, or our family members. Improving our ways of dealing with difficult people can help us enrich our own lives and decrease urges to use substances to cope with uncomfortable feelings. A common precursor to substance use is emotional discomfort. A common source of emotional discomfort is conflict in relationships. Many people go to great lengths to avoid conflict in relationships. However, it is often much more useful to focus our energy on managing conflict in relationships rather than avoiding conflict altogether. When conflict arises in a relationship it is important to discuss the conflict when emotions are manageable and not extreme. Below...

#NowIsTheTime to end domestic violence and related substance abuse. Jessica Yaffa, president of The San Diego Domestic Violence Council, and founder/president of No Silence No Violence, kicked off a series of public service announcements in partnership with the San Diego Chargers. The campaign is geared toward encouraging adults to teach kids about healthy relationships and reduce domestic violence. We'd like to take this a step further and consider what this issue looks like when you add in substance abuse. “Violent relationships can have long-lasting effects on teens,” said San Diego County District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis. “Adolescent victims of violent relationships are at greater risk for substance abuse, mental health problems and further domestic violence." Unhealthy relations...

By Tom Horvath, Ph.D., ABPP Does your loved one drink too much during the holidays? Or at any time for that matter? What’s the best way to respond? Here are some general guidelines for navigating this challenging time. Every person and situation is different, so these guidelines are just a beginning. Let’s start with what is ineffective and possibly harmful. Don't ignore the excessive drinking. Sometimes ignoring a problem is sensible, especially if it clears up later on its own. Here we assume it is not clearing up. Like drinking too much, ignoring problems is a short-term solution that masks, or tries to mask, something deeper. Looking for treatment for someone you love? Click here. Don't tell your loved one what to do or how to do it. Perhaps the most important fact about ad...

So you’ve begun to get the cravings under control and are starting to rebuild your life. You’re changing habits, changing your thinking and feeling hopeful about the future. As you begin to find more enjoyment throughout your days, you might also be thinking it would be nice to have someone to share all these beautiful things with. But before you jump head first into dating, or a relationship, you need to ask yourself if you’re really ready for dating in recovery. While finding that special someone to share your life with has many benefits, it’s also a big responsibility. Below are four questions to help you decide whether it’s time to write dating into this chapter of your life. 1. Have you given yourself enough time to develop your ideal version of you? Often during active addiction...